There’s nothing like the thought of new beginnings to set the heart pounding, head spinning and sweat glands pumping! As humans, we are terrified of the unknown. We are comfortable in the well-worn ruts of habit, where we always know which of the showers has the best water pressure, which seat in the lecture hall isn’t over an air conditioning vent and which dining hall has the least-worst dinner selection. But alas, the new year comes whether we like it or not, and along with it comes a new semester, new classes and, of course, New Year’s resolutions!
If you know anything about me, you know that I don’t like making decisions. They stress me out.
In a flash of brilliance — and a desperate effort to NOT have to worry about making choices that will cause radical changes to my daily life — I resolved to let an outside source determine my decisions, identity, and ultimately… my future. I spent countless hours researching the finest sources, providing information to complex algorithms that will determine, through a series of tests, exactly who I will be in the new year. Prepare to be amazed by the results of 15 different Buzzfeed quizzes that will guide my life through the entirety of 2019.
Let us begin with identity in the new year:
1. My name is now legally Captain Danger, and I am 16 years old. This age was determined by the kind of food I eat. If we’re being honest here, I probably ate better as a 16-year-old than I do at 21. But who am I to question the might of the Buzzfeed gods? I was mistaken for a high school junior last month, so I guess I’m not that far off the mark.
2. My favorite subject is history. Cool! This was determined by my Taco Bell order. Full disclosure — and I’m actually kind of proud of this fact — I have never ordered food at Taco Bell.
3. A deep truth about myself is that I am ambitious and insecure. There is definitely some uncomfortable truth in that statement… this was discovered based on my preference on how I prepare my eggs. Of course.
Let us now continue to:
Association with other entities that will affect my choices and/or personality:
1. Based on Panic! at the Disco songs I enjoy, I am a purple grape with some of the stem left on it. I will only buy purple grapes with some of the stem left on it in 2019.
2. The Shadowhunters character my personality most aligns with is Simon Lewis — I am “imaginative, nerdy, and sweet,” and occasionally “lead with my heart instead of my head.” These are the only personality traits I will embody this year.
3. If I were a dog, I would be a corgi. This was figured out based on what I would buy at Urban Outfitters. I guess I have to start shopping at Urban Outfitters.
4. The cell organelle that most matches my personality is the endoplasmic reticulum. No further comment.
5. Based on my self-created celebrity friend group, I need to eat Bosintang, a Korean soup made with dog meat. The soup has been claimed to provide increased virility, a quality I will master in 2019.
Romance and info regarding my significant other:
1. My next lover’s name is Morgan. This is particularly interesting as I am not attracted to women, nor am I particularly attracted to men with the name Morgan. Guess there’s a first time for everything.
2. Based upon my favorite Marvel characters — let me tell you, they were heckin’ hard to pick — my significant other’s sign will be Virgo. I have no idea if Virgos are compatible with Scorpios, but this will be a nonnegotiable for all future Morgans.
3. Thanks to my choices of up-and-coming 2019 fashion trends, I will meet my crush in the winter. And heads up — sequined jumpsuits and feathered heels are the next big things, my friends.
4. In order to get Tom Holland to kiss me under some mistletoe, I have to shop at H&M and try at least seven different combinations of shoes, purses, skirts and tops, but it will be so worth it, you just wait.
New Year’s resolutions and future endeavors:
1. By taking into account 2018 movies I watched, my 2019 new year resolution is to open myself up to other people. Look out, Morgan!
2. Based on my choices of eccentric 1919 inventions, I will get a new pet in 2019! Unfortunately, my only option is a non-lethal fish. #dormlife #RAlife #HRLpolicy #nonlethalfishonly
What is in YOUR future? Too afraid to figure it out for yourself? Let Buzzfeed take care of all your problems! Take their quizzes !
*This article is not sponsored by Buzzfeed*
Casey Breneman is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.